Almost Everyone is Entirely Average at Almost Everything

by Fashoda Crisis

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    PLEASE NOTE 12" vinyl of this album will be released later. Anyone who orders the download of the album will receive a £7 discount on a vinyl purchase. Kiss Kiss.

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    The Stewart Allan designed cover art for our album 'Almost Everyone is Entirely Average at Almost Everything' lovingly crafted on to a Gildan Heavy T-Shirt by those wonders at Awesome Merch . Here it is modeled by everyone's favourite psychotropic nakedskinlesshorsemanwomanmonster Horatio. Although you can be human and wear it too. State your size when you order. (This T-Shirt will also be sent out to anyone who pledged on one of our Kickstarter Packages that included a T-Shirt).
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  • T-Shirt/Apparel

    The Stewart Allan designed cover art for our album 'Almost Everyone is Entirely Average at Almost Everything' lovingly crafted on to a Gildan Heavy T-Shirt by those wonders at Awesome Merch . Here it is modeled by everyone's favourite psychotropic nakedskinlesshorsemanwomanmonster Horatio. Although you can be human and wear it too. This order includes a download of the full album. (This T-Shirt will also be sent out to anyone who pledged on one of our Kickstarter Packages that included a T-Shirt).

    Includes immediate download of 11-track album in the high-quality format of your choice (MP3, FLAC, and more), plus unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
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    A very limited edition full colour A3 Print of Stewart Allan's glorious cover design for our album 'Almost Everyone is Entirely Average at Almost Everything' on 300gsm Matt Board.
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  • Poster/Print

    A very limited edition A3 print of Fine Art Graduate Chrissy Cochrane's design for Another Mr Lizard on 300 gsm Matt board. A thing of beauty.
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  • Poster/Print

    Both limited edition prints + a download of the full album of 'Almost Everyone is Entirely Average at Almost Everything' for a bargain basement, garage forecourt special offer price.

    Includes immediate download of 11-track album in the high-quality format of your choice (MP3, FLAC, and more), plus unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
    ships out within 4 days
    edition of 25 

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about

Cover Art by Stewart Allan

"Something insane, something oddly beautiful" - Echoes & Dust
"A truly scouring noise attack" - Sounds XP
"An amazing record by any standard" - Total Alternative
"The new Who" - Jimmy Watkins of Future of the Left.

credits

released 23 June 2014

Bass & Organ - Matt Smith
Drums - Simon Smith
Guitar, Vocals and Organ - Sim Ralph

Mixed, Mastered & Engineered by Tom Donovan at Tom Donovan Studios.

Artwork Contributed by:

Stewart Allan
Tom Armstrong
Chrissy Cochrane
Dan Meikle
Tomas Pridal
Simon Bellamy
Michael McCann

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about

Fashoda Crisis Southend On Sea

At all times Fashoda Crisis play from the bottom of their twisted, blackened tumourous little hearts. They spew forth vitriol and acerbic wit in equal measures, melding political rhetoric and social commentary with opaquely personal lyrics. Intelligent, violent, passionate, honest, spleen-rupturingly humourous (and modest, let’s not forget modest) genre mangling mentalists. ... more

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Track Name: Amnesiac Electorate
Amnesiac electorate you have relapsed and left us with a system that worships television politicians.

Now that Hollywood has humanised our eighties demons, whatever next?
Danny Glover as Bobby Mugabe?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is Slobodan Milosevic?

Amnesiac electorate as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, forgive us our trespasses and deliver us from Jeremy Hunt. Jeremy Hunt. Into whose homeopathic hands we have delivered the sacrificial fatted calf of the N.H.S.
Harold Shipman, minister for the N.H.S.
Dr. Joseph Goebbels is Communities Secretary.

Assume the brace position…
Track Name: Another Mr Lizard
I am a black superhero. I ARE DALE CARNEGIE. I’m a serial fantasist assembled out of Airfix.
HA
I know a man who calls a spade a spade. He also calls a chisel a spade. He is an idiot and deserves our contempt. He is an idiot and has earned our contempt.
Black superhero.
Don’t be fooled by his affable grin. Don’t be fooled ‘cos he’s affable. He’s a Bullingdon motherfucker. A Bullingdon motherfucker.
Track Name: Hey Pauper!
Hey Pauper! Your dignity makes excellent kindling.
Hey Pauper! Your self –respect is not edible.
Hey Pauper! Stop mithering. Hey Pauper! Stop grizzling.

Hey Pauper! Why don’t you eat your children, like animals do? Hey Pauper! What’s the matter? Don’t you like the taste of kiddie-meat?
Hey Pauper! Stop grizzling. Hey Pauper! Stop mithering.

In my house, dine on swan and wear wool to keep warm. Gather round the range, in my house, to keep warm. Let them eat Pannacotta, in my house, to keep warm. Don’t they realise that Ocado are extremely flexible?
Track Name: Postanova
I see a riot-shield Testudo.
Yep.
With a shotgun snout.
It barks; it bites; it snaps; it snarls, at those uncovered throats.

I see a government silhouette.
Yep.
On the courtroom steps.
Although it wasn’t there, it ruptured unprotected chests and punctured lungs; severed spines.

Although little Vladdy’s marionette collapsed, he didn’t weep, he didn’t wail, he didn’t gnash his teeth. He just rebuilt those strings with barbed wire, vitriol and rhetoric. Barbed wire, vitriol and rhetoric.
Barbed wire.
Vitriol.
Rhetoric.
Track Name: Orwell
At least we have the souvenir edition of the Daily Mail burnt on to our retinas and melting our cerebral cortex.
Driveway disputes. It doesn’t end well.

Inflammatory headline-spouting, jingoistic hearts a-beating, hanging out the Jubilee bunting, JEFFREY ARCHER NOVEL-READING. Objections to my new conservatory.

Hire-purchase Ford Granada. Fleur-de-Lys effect wallpaper. Interest-free instalment plan on Charles & Di commemorative china. It doesn’t end well. It doesn’t end.

Ghosts of council houses haunting soulless new towns. Twitching Laura Ashley curtains check the tax discs of your neighbours.
Ghosts of Labour councillors haunting empty working men’s clubs. Twitching Laura Ashley neighbours check the tax discs of your neighbours.

This is what you wanted. What you asked for. What you begged for.
Track Name: Everything: The Musical
History: Rewritten by the least commercially successful.
Ha. The stubborn. Ha.
Don’t question my version of events I’m wearing pyjamas as an affectation. A cloak; a badge; a mask; a mask; a mask.
It’s improvised unless you witnessed the dress rehearsal and then it’s coincidence, not choreographed. CHOREOGRAPHED.

History: Rewritten by the worst dressed.
Ha. The slovenly. Ha.
Don’t question my version of events I’m wearing pyjamas as an affectation. A cloak; a badge; a mask; a mask; a mask.
It’s improvised unless you witnessed the dress rehearsal and then it’s coincidence, not choreographed. CHOREOGRAPHED.

And we’re all expanding.

History: Rewritten by the longest memories.
Ha. Stamina. Ha.
Track Name: Hurricane Colin
Insert syringe under the ribs and collapse the diseased part of the lung. Artificial pneumothorax. Artificial. Insert syringe under the ribs and collapse the diseased part of the lung. Artificial pneumothorax. Artificial.

The Plague and I.
No reading, only smoking. No laughing., only smoking.
It is a source of protein.
The plague and I.

Para aminosalicylic acid tablets. Para aminosalicylic acid tablets. Para aminosalicylic.
Strip the enamel from your teeth. Strip the enamel.
Bronchoalveolar lavage. Your choice, nose or mouth.
Saw through the ribs if necessary.
Track Name: Impersonating a Police Officer
I fucked a hippie and then I fucked another and then I fucked another but it’s ok ‘cos I employed a pseudonym.

I put the boot in. I put the boot in. I put the boot in but it’s ok ‘cos I employed a pseudonym.

I swung the baton. I swung the baton. I swung the baton but it’s ok ‘cos I employed a pseudonym.

Someone has been telling lies.
Track Name: Billericay
this
is
my
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby
Track Name: A Eulogy of Sorts
In Brixton: a poorly attended funeral. An obituary for no-one.
In the back of a bowling alley, in Billericay. The blank face of a moron. And another. And another moron.

And another moron.

In Kiev: a rehearsal studio. In Chernigev: a disused garage. In Dnepropetrovsk there is an art gallery surrounded by packs of wild dogs.

Surrounded by packs of wild dogs.

Well, well, well, well, well, well.
That was nine years well spent.
Track Name: I Am Become Oxford
I am become Oxford.
I got a telegram. A telegram? A telegram. A telegram? A telegram. Who from? From a future-proofed tweed bunker in the city of the dreaming spires.
Pour Sloe gin. A Sloe gin. NOT SLOE DEATH.
Name the kids after dogs and the dogs after kids and the kids after dogs.
Lunch with a poet at the Organic Co-op.

I am become Oxford.

I am a monopolar depressive, descended from monopolar depressives that’s how come I write so good. I’m sitting in a cocktail lounge of my own re-appropriation surrounded by the creations of another creation, discussing creation.

This is no way to treat an animal.